October 24th 2016…..in the Whittier Alaska small boat harbor…..early AM….next to Captain Dan’s converted German World War II era submarine / Halibut Charter boat…..
Captain Dan is irate irritable and pissed off. Zazzle.com has recently banned his primary logo from his halibut charter business from being displayed on products in it’s marketplace (logo is below).
The exact wording of the Zazzle.com ban on Captain Dan is at the end of this post.*
Captain Dan is a stern Germanic looking man that wears halibut insignia on his Captains hat. It takes a mean brutish Wolf Larsen type to consistently catch 400 pound plus trophy Halibut.
Supplies are being loaded on the U boat for the trip south to the San Francisco Bay and sweet revenge. Cases of wine, rum, moose sausage and smoked salmon (Only the best bar snacks are served on the submarine). Charter Customers are waiting to board the U Boat for the run south to San Francisco Bay and a rendezvous with the Zazzle.com headquarters and the boats refurbished 88 mm deck gun.
The 40 mm deck gun is being removed for something with more destructive power and range (The 40 mm is usually used for Sitka Black Tail deer hunts in the fall in beautiful picturesque Prince William Sound).
Discount: Mention this blog post to receive 30% off your next deer hunt in magnificent Prince William Sound (deadline to receive this discount is November 15th 2016).
Captain Dan was pleased to see that Zazzle.com had placed it’s headquarters near San Francisco Bay and well within range of his deck gun (150 high explosive shells had all ready been loaded).
A small swimming pool has been attached to the deck behind the conning tower of the U-Boat. The swimming pool has an attached cover and in the pool are 15 Halibut IED’s (Halibut Improvised Exploding Device) or IEHD’s. The IEHD is a halibut that has been implanted with a wire guided IED as a submersible explosive device. (File photo below).
Ports to be visited on the run south include Skagway, Juneau, Ketchikan, Victoria BC, Seattle, Astoria Oregon and Depot Bay Oregon. The submarine may go up the Columbia River to Portland Oregon to stock up with Pinot Noir (Pinot Noir is not the Captain’s favorite that is Petite Sirah and Zinfandel from Lodi California). Captain Dan grew up in Astoria Oregon and in fact lived there when the SS Iowa went down while trying to cross the Columbia River Bar.
The first night on the converted U-Boat as it heads south is Movie night, the triple feature includes The Mother Lode, Barbarella and the Captain’s favorite Das Boot.
The U-boat will also be docked near the Pampanito in the harbor near Fishermans Wharf for a week before the attack on Zazzle.com headquarters. Free T shirts and refrigerator magnets will be given to the first 500 visitors during the week long stay. Pampanito docents are invited for a complimentary cocktail party, free appetizers and a sleep over on the first night of the U-Boat’s visit to Fisherman’s Wharf.
The submarine was going to dock at Pier 39 but the sea lions are just to smelly.
Charter Customers will be able to troll for salmon during the day and halibut fish at night (The U-Boat will be anchored up at night). Halibut Fish and Chips will be available 24/7. As per normal operating procedures wine from the state of Virginia has been banned. And of course Dungeness crab pots and rings will be provided for use in the evening during slack tides.
A small floating seaplane will be towed behind the submarine so the expedition will have an aerial attack capability (25 Aerial Halibut Bombs have all ready been loaded into the rear torpedo room see file photo below). 10 Balloon bombs have also been loaded, just like the ones used on the west coast by the Japanese during World War II.
Backround on Captain Dan: Captain Dan is an Ex Navy Elephant Seal (Most people in America remain blissfully unaware of the Navy Elephant Seal Program) and a hero of the 1950’s Halibut wars. It has also been documented that 4% of the DNA in his magnificently marbled body is Halibut DNA (The picture used in his logo above was taken when he was younger and more chiseled).
Oregon Dairy Disclosure: Captain Dan serves only Tillamook cheese and other Tillamook Dairy products on the U-Boat.
Role Models: Yoast, one of the characters in the movie, The Way, is seen as a role model and mentor figure. Yoast and Captain Dan have weight problems and both share lamb as a trigger food.
Alaska Table Dancer required disclosure: There will be 3 cage free Artisan Strippers on the Submarine available for table dances. Two of the strippers are classified as free range strippers. One of the strippers is Artisan and Organic (Organic in this context means the stripper has never eaten cold cereal) It is well known that Nude Dancing is explicitly protected in the State of Alaska Constitution where Captain Dan’s boat is registered.
Rumors: It was rumored that Curtiss Craig, lately of Culpeper Virginia, would board the boat in Whittier Alaska but this was found to be in error because Mr. Craig can’t go back to Alaska until the incident at the strip club in Fairbanks is cleared up (He will board the boat in either Seattle or Victoria British Columbia).
Whittier Small Boat Harbor Disclosure: Captain Dan is still waiting for a slip in the Whittier Small Boat Harbor and has been assured by Harbor officials that he will have a slip in 12 years.
Required Government Contraceptive Disclosure: Kenai Contraceptives of Homer Alaska will be supplying the Salmon Skin Condoms and other various contraceptives and pleasuring devices like Salmonagra, Salmonitacon and the Salmon Vibrator.
Post written by: Ted Aschenbrenner a staff writer at Ted’s Pagan Tiki Shack in Manassas Virginia a Faux Tiki Bar on the East Coast of the US….
Legal Entanglements: Captain Dan is wanted in the Yukon Territory for questioning about the dumping of Uncle Buddie’s Books.
*”Unfortunately, your product was removed because it featured a design that does not meet Zazzle’s Acceptable Content Guidelines. Specifically, images/text depicting or referencing Adolf Hitler, Nazi Germany, swastika, and other Nazi related items are prohibited.”
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