Tour de Oregon 4 Week Pinot Noir Binge Stage Race in the Willamette Valley

The Answer to over hyped ridiculous and way to serious bike races. The Zagettt Rated goat cheese heavy ride through the Willamette Valley, the Cascades and the Coast Range visits wineries, local tiki bars and fine local restaurants. Six Jerseys are awarded daily.

1) The Black and White Holstein Jersey-largest consumption of chocolate milk per day in cups.

2) The Camembert Pig Jersey (An Ugly Tan)-Highest per day consumption in kilos of camembert consumed.

3) The Pinot Lizard (Green mottled wine bottle Camo)-Highest dollar amount of Pinots consumed.

4) The Lantern Peuce-(it’s a color)-The Slowest accumulated time.

5) The French Girl (All Black Jersey with a little bling near the throat)-Fastest time.

6) The Clematis (Floral Clematis Print)-Daily Consumption of at least one-litre of the Tour de Oregon’s House Wine, Dark Protruding Clematis, and best daily costume. This Jersey is for people normally put in the The Pen of Shame every night and for people who can’t afford all the overpriced Pinot.

Generally the participants camp in peoples yards since it is almost impossible to get hotels, motels, B&Bs or camping spaces.  Many participants were seen using the new Charcuterie Patch pioneered by Kenai Contraceptives of Homer Alaska.* Some incidents of Home invasions have been noted in recent years.  The Bottom 20% of Participants are placed in The Pen of Shame until sunrise the next morning. Many of the bottom 20% of the riders are considered Box Wine People. Free Samples of Salmonitacon are given to all male entrants.

Some incidents of Salmon Doping have been seen and tested for in last years participants. Salmon Doping is kind of like Blood Doping for Professional Cyclists, except salmon parts, ground up in a vita mix with a non-goaty petite syrah, are used. The Cyclists normally carry bags of the Salmon Doping solution on their backs with a needle hooked into a vein in their arm. Sensations associated with Salmon Doping are said to include mild euphoria and that colors are very vivid, for example if you were Salmon Doping and driving down I-5 towards the paper mill near Albany Oregon at night and it was Foggy you would be amazed at the light show at the mill.

House Wine Label of the Tour de Oregon’s premier featured product and primary sponsor:

*Charcuterie Patch – A Round Adhesive patch that holds a circle or rectangle of sliced cured meat, usually a dry salami, the patch is normally taped to the upper arm or high on the persons back. The patch lets the cured charcuterie product slowly dissolve into the persons body keeping up the desired level of cured meat in the persons bloodstream for up to 12 hours.

I wear a Charcuterie Patch

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The Pen of Shame Dateline August 11 2011 Champoeg Park Oregon

The Pen of Shame 

Dateline august 11th 2011 Champoeg Park Oregon….

Due to Liability and Geriatric State and Federal Regulations a visiting retired Alaskan Attorney had to sleep in his tent last night in the “Pen of Shame” at Champoeg Park. The Attorney, L.A., was visiting for a week long bicycle ride slash camping trip through the Willamette Valley and the foothills of the Cascades.

L.A. had brought some of his “Little Friends” along on the trip, many from out of state. Cyclists are generally described/categorized in a descending curve from best to wurst, not worst, as follows:  Real Cyclist, Faux Cyclist, Fake Cyclist, Pathetic.  Other various adjectives are sometimes used to describe the Pathetic category. After extensive after incident interviews L.A. was generally described to be in the Fake Cyclist category, although some other adjectives were used. His “Little Friends” were also described in predominantly the same way although one was described as a Real Cyclist.

The incident appears to have evolved in the following manner. L.A. appears to have lost his cycling helmet on the evening of the 10th at a wine tasting event at Silver Falls State Park which was held at the previous nights camping spot. Eyewitnesses guessed that there were approximately 110 bottles of good wine and 20 litres of box wine at the event. Since “Moose Hunting Rules” were in affect each person was individually responsible for their own gear.

The next morning after a breakfast of eggs, bacon and French toast….many sources said this was the best breakfast of the trip although it was a long line…L.A. was told by his “Little Friends” that he could not ride without his helmet. L.A. then mounted his bicycle and exclaimed “watch me” and then rode like the wind since it was mainly downhill the first bit. Support People, Real Cyclists and Camp Security spotted L.A.  B.G., the only real cyclists amongst L.A’s “little friends”,  was forced to sprint for miles to stop L.A. “The SAG people”, the support people, had meanwhile found L.A’s helmet. After the night of the 10th some people were referring to the Sag people as those “Box wine People”. After the capture L.A. had to talk to the camp commander, known as S., after a multi minute dressing down the Sag people were ordered to take his cute little chico gear bag and he was ordered to spend the night in the “Pen of Shame” at the next camping spot.

The “Pen of Shame”, first used in stage races in France in the early 1930’s, has generally been described as a goat pen 20’ by 20’ feet with barbwire at the top of the fenced enclosure. The offending cyclist is placed in the “Pen of shame” from sunset to sunrise. Cyclists of all skill levels are put in the “Pen of Shame” for numerous cycling transgressions. The shame is incredible. Generally local people will throw rotten fruits and vegetables into the “Pen of Shame”.  Since the Willamette Valley has such a wondrous supply of produce the “Pen of Shame” was ankle deep in produce by 10:00 p.m. L.A. was let out of the “Pen of Shame” at sunrise.

fruit and vegetables

As a footnote L.A. was forced to Sag into the last stop of the trip from the only rest stop when the pedal of his bike fell off.

Definitions:

“Little Friends” – goes back to childhood, you had little friends when you were little, older people also have “Little Friends”

“Moose Hunting Rules”-you can’t assume anyone is putting your stuff in the float plane…if you do you are a true idiot.

moose hunting rules and regulations

“The Sag People”-Drivers who pilot the support vehicles who pick up the cyclists with mechanical issues, health issues, sloth issues, etc.

“Box Wine People”-generally refers to “The Sag People” after the night of the 10th, also some catering persons and a few cyclists of all grades.

wine people

Primal Alaska Gear for Savages and People who don’t give a fuck

Primal Alaska gear for Savages, for people who don’t give a fuck what other people think. Primal Alaska is the Faux brand of Ted’s Pagan Tiki Shack or Hut. Primal Alaska is also the primary stockholder in Kenai Contraceptives a fish based pharma chemical plant located in and near Homer Alaska on the Kenai Penninsula. Primal Alaska is the primary sponsor of Alaska’s premiere 10K trail race held each year in Seldovia Alaska – Grin at Death.