Tour de Oregon 4 Week Pinot Noir Binge Stage Race in the Willamette Valley

The Answer to over hyped ridiculous and way to serious bike races. The Zagettt Rated goat cheese heavy ride through the Willamette Valley, the Cascades and the Coast Range visits wineries, local tiki bars and fine local restaurants. Six Jerseys are awarded daily.

1) The Black and White Holstein Jersey-largest consumption of chocolate milk per day in cups.

2) The Camembert Pig Jersey (An Ugly Tan)-Highest per day consumption in kilos of camembert consumed.

3) The Pinot Lizard (Green mottled wine bottle Camo)-Highest dollar amount of Pinots consumed.

4) The Lantern Peuce-(it’s a color)-The Slowest accumulated time.

5) The French Girl (All Black Jersey with a little bling near the throat)-Fastest time.

6) The Clematis (Floral Clematis Print)-Daily Consumption of at least one-litre of the Tour de Oregon’s House Wine, Dark Protruding Clematis, and best daily costume. This Jersey is for people normally put in the The Pen of Shame every night and for people who can’t afford all the overpriced Pinot.

Generally the participants camp in peoples yards since it is almost impossible to get hotels, motels, B&Bs or camping spaces.  Many participants were seen using the new Charcuterie Patch pioneered by Kenai Contraceptives of Homer Alaska.* Some incidents of Home invasions have been noted in recent years.  The Bottom 20% of Participants are placed in The Pen of Shame until sunrise the next morning. Many of the bottom 20% of the riders are considered Box Wine People. Free Samples of Salmonitacon are given to all male entrants.

Some incidents of Salmon Doping have been seen and tested for in last years participants. Salmon Doping is kind of like Blood Doping for Professional Cyclists, except salmon parts, ground up in a vita mix with a non-goaty petite syrah, are used. The Cyclists normally carry bags of the Salmon Doping solution on their backs with a needle hooked into a vein in their arm. Sensations associated with Salmon Doping are said to include mild euphoria and that colors are very vivid, for example if you were Salmon Doping and driving down I-5 towards the paper mill near Albany Oregon at night and it was Foggy you would be amazed at the light show at the mill.

House Wine Label of the Tour de Oregon’s premier featured product and primary sponsor:

*Charcuterie Patch – A Round Adhesive patch that holds a circle or rectangle of sliced cured meat, usually a dry salami, the patch is normally taped to the upper arm or high on the persons back. The patch lets the cured charcuterie product slowly dissolve into the persons body keeping up the desired level of cured meat in the persons bloodstream for up to 12 hours.

I wear a Charcuterie Patch

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