dateline November 29, 2012 Grants Pass Oregon on the Caveman Bridge….early morning….
A taxi lies on it’s side, the roof is completely torn open, blood pools on the mist covered pavement and drips into the Rogue River….bloody bits of Tillamook Cheese, sharp cheddar, are sprinkled in the bloody froth on the pavement. Fish scales gleam in the early morning sun. The remains of two Southern California tourists from Temecula lie covered in a blue Tarp. The Massive Hulking Killer King Salmon that has been lurking in the Rogue River near Riverside Park has struck again. Forensic scientists on the scene surmise that the Fish had crawled onto the concrete girders of the Caveman Bridge and then dropped on top of the Taxi impaling it’s killer Tusks through the sheet metal roof of the late model 4 door Impala. Screams were heard for over 4 minutes in downtown Grants Pass as the fish chewed and gummed his victims with his razor sharp teeth. Many onlookers were thinking the same thing…..that this was worse than the pig in the Australian film Razorback. Fear grips the Rogue River Valley in it’s ugly grimey dirty palm…citizens were buying every box of wine they could find and heading for the hills or up/down I 5….temporary emergency shelters for residents have been set up in Medford, Roseburg and Bandon Oregon. Some people were seen heading west down the Rogue River, some boat thefts were reported….the National Guard was temporarily called out….but this was called off….an unnamed source reported that a commander in Eugene had said, “for God’s sake it’s just a Fish”.
The Taxi driver has not been found as of this morning, although unconfirmed reports had a crazy man running down the road near the Oregon Caves his clothes in tatters, blood stained….and streaks of white cheddar streaked on his half naked body.