Green Island Prince William Sound Radicalized Halibut Terror Attack

The smell of human blood and Kirschwasser is thick in the humid air, the scent of aged Tillamook cheddar is wafting from the smooth beach rocks at the Forest Service Cabin on Green Island in beautiful and picturesque Prince William Sound. The site of the brutal attack by radicalized human flesh eating amphibious halibut on the 6 Iowa Tourists that were attacked while preparing fondue in the cabin. All of the tourists are dead, the cabin is a shambles, streaks of Tillamook white cheddar are mixed in the bloody debris. In a terrible coincidence of fate these 6 tourists were relatives and friends of the Iowa motor home tourists killed in Neskowin Oregon by the Rogue Killer King Salmon that has been terrorizing the Oregon Coast and Inland River System. You may ask what these attacks have in common? Apparently Tillamook White Cheddar Cheese is the trigger food for amphibious human flesh eating fish attacks.

The cameras of the dead tourists were examined.  From the expressions on their faces, it was crystal clear that too many relatives and friends were in the tiny cabin for too many days. It was too many rats in a cage. The forensic photo expert noted that the mother of the clan was absent from all the photos and was therefore presumed to be the photographer. Could it be that claustrophobia, incessant rain and too many group photos had caused madness and made the group less wary to the amphibious threat.

This attack is apparently not from the Ketchikan harbor halibut that are non-amphibious. The smoking gun points again to the radicals in Seward Alaska that are apparently breeding the brutal amphibious man eating halibut in the Seward Harbor. Seward Alaska has really never recovered from the economic devastation of the 1950’s Halibut Wars defeat by Whittier Alaska.

Alaska Tourists were urged to steer clear of full fat cheese products, one hypothesis was that lower fat cheese products were not trigger foods. News reached the Tillamook Cheese Factory in Oregon and it was evacuated.

Non-official sources in Grants Pass Oregon said that if those halibut came up the Rogue River they could ruin the Boatnic. Grants Pass Oregon was the site of the 2012 attack on the toddlers alongside the Rogue River in Riverside Park in Grants Pass Oregon. Inga, the Swedish Nanny that saved many of the toddlers in the 2012 Grants Pass Oregon toddler attack had no comment but was visibly shaken by the news of the Green Island attack.

Whittier Alaska harbor officials have started deploying the halibut torpedo nets left over from the 1950’s halibut wars to protect the harbor from a Pearl Harbor type halibut attack.

The first two floors of the Begich Towers in Whittier have been evacuated because of the amphibious halibut attacks on the Iowa tourists on Green Island in Prince William Sound, an unofficial source said that it is believed that while the fish are amphibious they can’t go up stairs very well.

Captain Dan, “The Lion of Whittier”, winters and vacations in Rio Rancho NM. The LiofWhitA is his custom acronym. The name of his favorite pet goldfish is “Black Death”. Captain Dan was getting ready to head north, his converted German U-Boat Halibut Boat was being provisioned and fueled in the Whittier Boat Harbor. Rumor of a “Jaws” type winter quest were rumored.

#unitedstatesterrorattacks #alaskafishattacks #terrorattacks #fishattacksonhumans #triggerfoods #amphibioussalmonattacks #fishmassacres #iowatouristmassacre #thelionofwhittier #halibuttarzan #halibutdemon #halibutfishing #roguesalmon #killersalmon #touristmassacres #grantspass #grantspassoregon #princewilliamsound #neskowinoregon #whittieralaska #sewardalaska #halibutwars


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Improvised Halibut Exploding Device IHED the fish IED Alaska Fishing Charters

Dateline December 8th Whittier Alaska…..

Captain Dan of Captain Dan’s Pagan Fishing Charters (CAPTDANPA) of Whittier Alaska has announced in a press conference on the steps of the Begich Towers that he is now using the IEHD (Improvised Exploding Halibut Device) to fish for halibut in Prince William Sound. Captain Dan’s Nom de Guerre is “The Lion of Whittier” also “Halibut Tarzan” and “The Tarzan of the North”. The IEHD is a BATHRAH (Bathtub Raised Halibut) as opposed to a FARRAHAL (Farm Raised Halibut) that has been implanted with an IED (Improvised Explosive Device). Captain Dan is a pagan and it is thought he recruits only atheist halibut for his program. The wire guided IEHD when deployed swims to the bottom of Prince William Sound locates a group of halibut enters the pod and explodes itself. The dead halibut are then collected as they float to the surface. It is generally acknowledged that halibut make the best fish and chips and that cod is just bait (except for lingcod and black cod).

Captain Dan asserts that all of the halibut caught this way are artisan cage free halibut that only have a smattering of nut dust on them from the bar snacks on the halibut charter u-boat.

Many people confuse the IEHD with the IEHBD (Improvised Exploding Halibut Bomb Device) which is an unlawfull outlaw device still used in Seward Alaska and is an air dropped fishing device.

It is thought that over one half of the bath tubs in the Begich Towers are being used to raise the BATHRAH.

The IESALD (Improvised Exploding Salmon Device) is in development by Kenai Contraceptives and Captain Dan’s Pagan Fishing Charters. Kenai Contraceptives is a fish based contraceptives company based in Homer Alaska. Kenai Contraceptives has developed the Salmon IUD (SALMIUD).

Rumors of a IEHND (Improvised Exploding Halibut Nuclear Device) are unconfirmed at this time.

DNA tests have confirmed that Captain Dan has halibut DNA implanted in every cell of his marbled body. During Halibut fishing season Captain Dan can be seen swimming nude at sunrise in the Whittier small boat harbor with no wet suit to cover his magnificently marbled body, his skin glistening in the early morning sun from the layer of rendered sea lion fat that has been slathered on his beautiful body. Captain Dan started his early morning swimming regime after reading about the “Amazing Walt Stack” from San Francisco. The Captain’s favorite movie is On the Edge with Bruce Dern and Walt Stack. File photo directly below of the Captain Swimming in Whittier:

Whittier Alaska Salmon and Halibut Fishing The Priapus of Prince William Sound

Other Facts about Captain Dan:

His favorite wine themed movie is Corked a mockumentary about the Sonoma County California wine trade. Since his Halibut Charter boat is a converted German U-Boat you can guess his favorite submarine movie is Das Boot and his all time favorite movie since he is a pagan is of course Breaker Morant.


BATHRAH – Bathtub Raised Halibut

Artisan Bathtub Halibut Cage Free Halibut artisan halibut

CAPTDANPA  – Captain Dan’s Pagan Fishing Charters

Ted's Pagan Tiki Shack Halibut Fishing Retreat to Alaska Ted the Vino Tarzan Captain Dan's Pagan Halibut Fishing Charters Whittier Alaska AK German Officer Captain Dan's with german soldier Captain Dan in his Lend Lease British Bomber attacking Seward Alaska Captain Dan's Pagan Halibut Charters Whittier Alaska AK Loose Lips Cost us Halibut Captain Dan's Fishing Charters Whittier AlaskaCaptain Dan shakes fist at the Dastardly Attack by Seward Alaska  captain dan tarzan of the north whittier alaska halibutCaptain Dan's Pagan Fishing Charters

captain dan's pagan fishing charters the clean sailor  Ahab's Moby Halibut drink with Captain DanCaptain Dan's Pagan Fishing Charters Esther Rock Alaska


FARRAHAL-Farm Raised Halibut

IED-Improvised Explosive Device

IEHBD – Improvised Exploding Halibut Bomb Device

halibut bomb

IEHD-Improvised Exploding Halibut Device

halibut ied

IEHND – Improvised Exploding Halibut Nuclear Device

nuclear halibut ied halibu nuc ied

IESALD – Improvised Exploding Salmon Device

salmon ied





SALMIUD – Salmon Intrauterine Device

Salmon Fin IUD Manufactured in Homer Alaska on the Spit Salmon fin iud manufactured in Homer Alaska on the spit


#ied #improvisedexplodingdevice #salmon #redsalmon #halibut #halibutfishing #farmraisedhalibut #whittieralaska #princewilliamsoundalaska

West Linn High School Class of 1975 Reunion September 11-13th 2015

A couple days past the weekend of September 11th – 13th 2015….

Lavender is the scent of good things to come, of anticipation, of sexual arousal in men and women. Lavender is the scent of optimism….and maybe of friendship.

Fields of Lavender West Linn Oregon the palm trees may be a bit of bullshit

Maybe it’s just the clean low humidity Oregon air but it smelled like the scent of lavender was in the air at BJ Willie’s in West Linn and the High Rocks Bar in Gladstone on September 11th and 12th as the West Linn High School Class of 1975 celebrated their 40th reunion.

Back then years ago when I was semi-fleet of foot and I knew I was an outstanding cook and a great lover. I knew that good things were in the offing…My normal husky body had slimmed down and the egg yolk a day that my mother had fed me early the first year of my life had worn off….My only flaw being the strange curly hair I had.

Back then in May of 1975 the lavender flowed from Sunset hill all over West Linn.

As both evenings progressed lies were told, memories found, old photographs resurfaced, friendships long lost dead rekindled, cliques re-clicked, dislikes were born again, old grudges surfaced and then submerged. I think the visit with old friends brought back the heady scent of lavender.

West Linn High School Class of 1975 40th Reunion small version
Photo is from the after party at Katie Daly’s Chez Daly Bed and Breakfast in Portland Oregon.

#westlinnhighschool #westlinnoregon #moresof1975 #moresofwlhs1975 #westlinnlions

A Perfect Day on the Oregon Coast a Travel Log Trek to Astoria Oregon

Sunday September 13th….

You skip the picnic to your WLHS 40th reunion at Sunset Park in West Linn because the siren call of the Oregon Coast is to strong for your weak will……and.

From the Portland Oregon area: Get up early, mainline a double or quad latte at the nearest coffee bar then go to a Safeway, get some Tillamook Greek Yogurt for breakfast. Head out route 26 and the Sunset Highway which is named for the 41st Infantry Division. Put Andrea Bocelli on for music, turn it up pretty loud as you ascend the coast range. Almost cry because the music and scenery is so gorgeous. Stop for gas and get a piece of Marion Berry pie and eat it in the parking lot. Continue towards Cannon Beach and Tolovana Beach Park to hike on the beach. If you have to poop at the park don’t go in the bathroom it is scary. Cute rabbits with big floppy ears are living in the brush at the park.  Hike on the beach. Take at least 10 obligatory Hay Stack Rock photos. Lots of strange alien looking jelly fish on the beach.

After the hike you go to the cute little coffee shop The Sea Level Bakery for a latte. On impulse you head south for the Tillamook Cheese Factory the Terminus of the Queso y Vino Camino Real Pilgrimage Trail. Enjoy the drive to the factory and go on the self guided tour. Buy cheese for the cooler and at least one cool T-shirt per person.

Then head North to Mo’s Chowder House in Cannon Beach for lunch. You order a bowl of the chowder, a Henry’s and then the Marion Berry cobbler a la mode. The chowder is excellent you still think it is great, but you have not yet compared it to the chowder in Astoria later on in the day. The beer is cold, the view excellent and your sweetie is cute, the day is perfect so far. The Cobbler filling is awesome but the inner foodie says they need to re-think the cobbler top crust, you are partial to crisps anyway.

Head North to Astoria Oregon. Go thru Seaside Oregon and spot a sign for Tuna Fish and Chips, you resist the urge to stop at Grizzly Tuna. Remember that you ran the Seaside Trail’s End Marathon there 4 times. Go past Warrenton and Fort Steven’s State Park. Fort Steven’s is where your father played monster with you and the siblings in the old gun batteries.

Go across the bridge into Astoria. It appears that the Astoria Column is being renovated. You drive into the parking lot of the Cannery Pier Hotel, you are pleasantly shocked it is not on the water but over the water.

Seagulls in Astoria Oregon Cannery Pier Hotel

The interior of the rooms is gorgeous, there is a small deck overlooking the Columbia River and the Bridge to Washington. The clawfoot tub in the room is a pleasant surprise and the bathroom appears to be twice the size of my Dorm room at the University of Oregon. Caroline, the sweetie, and I enjoy a California Lodi Zinfandel on the rear deck of our room with a baguette, Tillamook Cheese again and a pepper encased charcuterie thing.

Appetizer spread in the room in Astoria Oregon

Zinfandel and Petite Sirah are the dark slutty underbelly wines of California. Remember Friends don’t let Friends drink Virginia Wine or overpriced Oregon Pinot Noir’s.

The repast is over I head downstairs. I spy the free bikes to ride on the rear deck of the lobby while cruising and exploring the downstairs lobby, happy hour is at 5:00 PM. I head out on the Astoria RiverWalk. I am slightly drunk and driving a beach cruiser with an alligator squeaker to beep at the pedestrians, the wind is at my back. There is a trolley thing that runs down the center of the Riverwalk, there are massive bike tire eating gaps almost everywhere that must be negotiated. They should really change the name of the Astoria RiverWalk to the Cycle Trail of Death. Lots of museums and what looks like cute little restaurants on the RiverWalk.  I ride almost to the end of the RiverWalk turn around and realize I can barely move against the wind and the alcohol in my bloodstream.

I return to the hotel to get ready for Happy Hour and an evening on the town. Happy Hour appeals to me here since there is unlimited wine and appetizers. They are serving a Rex Winery Pinot that is quite nice. I notice the antique old cars in front of the hotel.

We decide on the Buoy Beer Company on the RiverWalk as the start of a Pub Crawl after recommendations from the hotel staff, they also tell us that rides are free to the restaurants in the hotel antique cars. Me and the sweetie head out at about 6:15 PM in a 1958 Biscayne, too cool. After a short drive to the  Buoy Beer Company, I tip our driver Dick and we head in. We find Sea Lions under the floor on a deck staring back up at us, I want to take one home.

Sea Lions under the floor of the Buoy Beer Company Astoria Oregon OR


We decide to sit at the Bar. The beer is cold, the spiced Pistachio’s awesome and the chowder is much better than Mo’s. The giant picture window in back of the bar looks out on the Columbia River and we chat with a young women named, Heather, who left her home and her husband in St. Louis on a trip to the Pacific Northwest…

Next day travel notes:

Grizzly Tuna in Seaside Oregon turns out to have tuna fish and chips that are as good as well made halibut fish and chips which means they are incredible. Remember cod is bait and friends don’t serve friends cod.

Author is Ted Aschenbrenner the staff writer and Manager of Ted’s Pagan Tiki Shack in Manassas Virginia a Faux Tiki Bar.


Tiger Night Wargames and Wine Ted’s Pagan Tiki Shack Manassas Virginia

Tiger Night is dedicated to Lothar Kaul from Corvallis Oregon, the best squad leader that I ever knew. Lothar was way ahead of his time about good food, wine, wargaming and the internet. If he was here gaming last night he would have worn a black t shirt with the design below, drank some excellent zin from California, ate some good bread and cheese, dined on something great off the grill and we would have played some World of Tanks.

Lothar's Tiger Night Ted's Pagan Tiki Shack Wargames and Red Wine

Counterfeit Proof House Point Certificates from Ted’s Pagan Tiki Shack

New Counterfeit Proof Design for the 10 Billion House Point Certificates at Ted’s Pagan Tiki Shack:

Front of Certificate and rear below:

Ted's Pagan Tiki Shack 10 Billion House Point Certificate


10 Billion House Point Certificate Ted's Pagan Tiki Shack Rear Engraving Plate

We had to literally redesign our 10 Billion House Point Certificates overnight after Chinese Ninja Mutant Hacker Moles got a hold of our original design and mass produced them in an eastern European Country and started selling them to unsuspecting tourists who did not know that they were totally worthless.

#housepoints #freehousepoints #counterfeithousepoints #freehousepointcertificates #housepointcertificates

Free House Points 10 Billion House Points Ted’s Pagan Tiki Shack

For a limited time feel free to print the graphic below for 10 Billion House Points.

Free House Points 10 Billion Free House Points Ted's Pagan Tiki Shack Manassas Virginia
Not worth there weight in Gold, Black Pepper, or Smoked Spanish Paprika these house points can be used to barter for sex, wine, beer, back rubs and other valuable things. It is usually best to barter with stupid people and drunks who don’t yet know that the house points are virtually worthless.

These certificates are perfect for freshman year in college.

To make the certificates look more valuable print up a bunch and run them thru the dryer with some dirty clothes, this will bring out the patina of aged value. If some Sriracha Sauce from Huy Fong Foods is smeared on the certificates then the certificates are put in the dryer for at least 10 minutes on medium heat with some old workout clothes these things will hit the bar scene like a tsunami….. completely invaluable, like giving chunk light tuna to a cat.

If printed on card stock they will be worth twice as much which is still absolutely nothing. When creating forgeries and aged patina don’t overlook the obvious condiments in your refrigerator like the french mustard.

Moose Dung the Elder 2015 Souvenir Graphic

Moose Dung the Elder Larry Aschenbrenner Anchorage Alaska Lare Aschenbrenner Lar
Moose Dung the Elder resides in Anchorage Alaska High on Government Hill. He is retired…after a checkered past. Mainly petty theft of water melons and sacramental wine and then banishment from the United States National Parks after the Oregon Caves incident in Southern Oregon…he has mainly cleaned up his act except for some minor fish and game mistakes. His driving skills have gone down hill somewhat which is tough after the extremely rocky start near and in Grants Pass Oregon…..the wreck with the train and driving into the reservoir while still in high school. Some of his friends think he left the Department of Interior Solicitors Department because of the “loathsome equine dung” in the elevator, a story and an elevator that are too smelly to tell here. Followed by an incident in Spokane Washington at a local motel with “Debbie’s Panties”. More recent is the incident near Silver Creek Park in Oregon where he was severely disciplined for riding his bicycle without a helmet….before he was caught he was heard to say, “just watch me, I can ride like the wind”. Oregon has banned him from riding bicycles in the state.

Below is a file picture of Moose Dung as he looked in the late 1950’s when he lived above Grants Pass Oregon in the orchard:

grants pass cavemen

Loose Lips Cost us Halibut Captain Dan’s Pagan Fishing Charters Whittier Alaska

The new 2015 Halibut Fishing Graphic for Captain Dan’s Pagan Fishing Charters out of Whittier Alaska and based in the Buckner Building near the bowling alley. Bird watching, Rum Drinks, Strippers, Beer Battered Halibut Fishing Chips, Unlimited Table Dances. Once you’ve stayed a week in the Buckner Building you will never forget the trip.

Captain Dan's Pagan Fishing Charters Loose Talk Costs us Halibut Whittier Alaska