The Pen of Shame
Dateline august 11th 2011 Champoeg Park Oregon….
Due to Liability and Geriatric State and Federal Regulations a visiting retired Alaskan Attorney had to sleep in his tent last night in the “Pen of Shame” at Champoeg Park. The Attorney, L.A., was visiting for a week long bicycle ride slash camping trip through the Willamette Valley and the foothills of the Cascades.
L.A. had brought some of his “Little Friends” along on the trip, many from out of state. Cyclists are generally described/categorized in a descending curve from best to wurst, not worst, as follows: Real Cyclist, Faux Cyclist, Fake Cyclist, Pathetic. Other various adjectives are sometimes used to describe the Pathetic category. After extensive after incident interviews L.A. was generally described to be in the Fake Cyclist category, although some other adjectives were used. His “Little Friends” were also described in predominantly the same way although one was described as a Real Cyclist.
The incident appears to have evolved in the following manner. L.A. appears to have lost his cycling helmet on the evening of the 10th at a wine tasting event at Silver Falls State Park which was held at the previous nights camping spot. Eyewitnesses guessed that there were approximately 110 bottles of good wine and 20 litres of box wine at the event. Since “Moose Hunting Rules” were in affect each person was individually responsible for their own gear.
The next morning after a breakfast of eggs, bacon and French toast….many sources said this was the best breakfast of the trip although it was a long line…L.A. was told by his “Little Friends” that he could not ride without his helmet. L.A. then mounted his bicycle and exclaimed “watch me” and then rode like the wind since it was mainly downhill the first bit. Support People, Real Cyclists and Camp Security spotted L.A. B.G., the only real cyclists amongst L.A’s “little friends”, was forced to sprint for miles to stop L.A. “The SAG people”, the support people, had meanwhile found L.A’s helmet. After the night of the 10th some people were referring to the Sag people as those “Box wine People”. After the capture L.A. had to talk to the camp commander, known as S., after a multi minute dressing down the Sag people were ordered to take his cute little chico gear bag and he was ordered to spend the night in the “Pen of Shame” at the next camping spot.
The “Pen of Shame”, first used in stage races in France in the early 1930’s, has generally been described as a goat pen 20’ by 20’ feet with barbwire at the top of the fenced enclosure. The offending cyclist is placed in the “Pen of shame” from sunset to sunrise. Cyclists of all skill levels are put in the “Pen of Shame” for numerous cycling transgressions. The shame is incredible. Generally local people will throw rotten fruits and vegetables into the “Pen of Shame”. Since the Willamette Valley has such a wondrous supply of produce the “Pen of Shame” was ankle deep in produce by 10:00 p.m. L.A. was let out of the “Pen of Shame” at sunrise.
As a footnote L.A. was forced to Sag into the last stop of the trip from the only rest stop when the pedal of his bike fell off.
“Little Friends” – goes back to childhood, you had little friends when you were little, older people also have “Little Friends”
“Moose Hunting Rules”-you can’t assume anyone is putting your stuff in the float plane…if you do you are a true idiot.
“The Sag People”-Drivers who pilot the support vehicles who pick up the cyclists with mechanical issues, health issues, sloth issues, etc.
“Box Wine People”-generally refers to “The Sag People” after the night of the 10th, also some catering persons and a few cyclists of all grades.
Tour de France to add Pen of Shame for Punishment for all Penalties in 2013
Dateline April 23, 2013 or within in a day or two…..
Reliable semi-sober sources in Paris France have confirmed that Race Officials will officially sanction use of the Medieval Punishment known as the, “Pen of Shame” for any and all infractions in the 2013 race. The “Pen of Shame” has been in use in the Tour of California for two years now, race officials there were quoted as saying that they grow so many fruit and vegetables, and in such great quantity, that it works in California perfectly.
Larry Aschenbrenner a cyclist that was recently punished in the “Pen of Shame” in Champoeg Oregon said it was the most degrading disgusting gross thing in his life, and that he definitely will always wear his cycling helmet, the infraction that he was being punished for. Bob Grant one of the cyclists that helped apprehend Mr. Aschenbrenner also said that it was great fun to throw the rotten produce at Mr. Aschenbrenner as he ran around in The Pen of Shame.
The Pen of Shame will apparently be set up each afternoon in the closest village to the days Tour de France finish, local feed stores have donated barb wire, concertina, and a generator for the electric wire at the top of the fence. For an in depth discussion of the Pen of Shame a short story describing it’s use in Oregon recently is quite helpfull. Local farmers will donate the produce that locals can hurl at the occupants of the Pen.