Rogue Killer Salmon Rampages through the Pacific Northwest

200 Pound Amphibious King Salmon Attacks Vacationers at Rest Area Neskowin OR Dateline September 7, 2012 across from the rest area in Neskowin Oregon on the Coast.

The Bloody remnants of 12 Iowa tourists were shoved into an ambulance after a Savage Attack by a Giant Amphibious King Salmon. The Salmon had Razor Sharp Claws that it used to maul the vacationers in their sleep in this normally quiet Oregon Vacation Village. The Salmon had lurked in the nearby estuary during the day and pulled it’s hulking vicious scale ridden fish body across the parking lot and tore open the motor home with it’s tusks. Large fish scales and fish claws were found all over the motor home along with bits of cheese.

The Iowa Tourists had apparently visited a cheese factory in Tillamook county Oregon and had over 40 pounds of various cheeses in a cooler, mainly sharp cheddars. Sharp Cheddar cheeses are a known trigger food for large man killer King Salmon.

cheddar cheese

The Killer Salmon had apparently taken the cheese cooler with it while fleeing the scene of the massacre. Normal Salmon are pictured below with some smelt:

Normal Salmon

Giant King Salmon with an Elongated Skull possibly Alien Half Breed Dateline October 10th….Taft Oregon….

A massive King Salmon, well over 200 pounds, was spotted chasing feral cats on the breakwater.  “It had a tremendous elongated skull and was obviously hungry and amphibious” stated a fisherman who had seen the monster. Bystanders and witnesses were sure that there were streaks of white Tillamook Cheddar cheese smeared down it’s flanks. The Cheese smears were a sure sign that this was the man-killer that slaughtered the Iowa Tourists in Neskowin. Many witnesses thought the fish was headed south to California. The Chinook Salmon with the elongated skull was massive in size and had huge hulking shoulders almost like a Chinese weightlifter.

Local Fisherman were seen at the Taft Safeway buying 2 pound chunks of all kinds of Tillamook Cheddar to bait their fishing poles with, one man had over 26 pounds of white Tillamook Cheddar said to be the fishes trigger food.


Giant Killer King Salmon has a Serious Tillamook Cheddar Cheese problem Dateline October 11th Depoe Bay Oregon…..

A massive 25 pound block of aged white Tillamook cheddar has been strapped down to a raft in the Depoe Bay fish harbor near the docks. A sniper awaits on the deck of a local bar with a Winchester 338 hoping to get a head shot on the Killer Chinook salmon that has been terrorizing the beaches breakwaters and local parking lots.


Aged white cheddar cheese is the only known trigger food for the Man Killing salmon beast….

cheese in still life

The smell of Terror wafts through the small fishing village on the Oregon Coast…


Whiskey Run Beach near Bandon Oregon Giant Tourist Killer King Salmon Spotted Dateline Whiskey Run Beach near Bandon Oregon October 13th 2012…..

A massive Grey and Red Spotted Chinook Salmon weighing well over 200 pounds was spotted eating a dead seagull on Whiskey Run Beach near Bandon Oregon. Gold was discovered near Whiskey Run Beach in 1851. The Amphibious King Salmon with a Serious Tillamook Cheese problem left a trail up the beach not unlike a large sea turtle. Local officials were worried that the Salmon may go up the Coquille river to hunt for Toddlers in the parks that front the River. Mothers with Toddlers were urged to stay away from the rivers with young children and certainly not to pick nick with any kind of cheese or cheese products. Local officials were worried that the presence of the Iowa Tourist Killing King Salmon could ruin the end of the tourist season just like the Great white did in the movie Jaws.

shark tooth

Locals believe the fish could actually tear open cars and eat the occupants, this is what is believed to have happened a few days ago to the Iowa tourists massacred while vacationing in a motor home in Neskowin. One man said that it could be just like in the movie Razorback. 

razorback wild pigs

Killer King Salmon Mates with Great White Shark Gold Beach Oregon Dateline Thursday October 25th Gold Beach Oregon the Mouth of the Rogue River…..

A brazen sexual attack by a Massive Hulking King Salmon on a young nubile great white shark at the mouth of the Rogue River shocked early morning onlookers, mainly birdwatchers and some senior citizens crabbing off the breakwater, so much that some of the onlookers headed inland just like if a Tsunami was coming in.

Local officials were unclear whether the county or the city would have jurisdiction over such a sexual rampage. One onlooker claimed to have some video of the event but this was not verified. All that was left after the event was a smattering of Sharp Aged White Cheddar Cheese bits that coated the water after the attack.

A Marine Biologist from a local University, which shall go nameless, was pulled from a local Latte shop for a comment. The comments, some of which were censored by the local Gold Beach Sheriff, seemed to indicate that if the Great White had babies they would be some strange looking critters.

Riverside Park Grants Pass Oregon Salmon Attacks Toddlers Dateline October 29th early AM Grants Pass Oregon….

A Gorgeous Swedish Nanny named Inga, pictured below,  was herding a small group of

Inga from Sweden the toddler savior

Toddlers in Riverside Park on the South Side of the Rogue River in Grants Pass Oregon early this morning when out of the Foggy Mist on the River slid the Giant Chinook Salmon that has been Terrorizing the Oregon Coast. Screams were heard from the Toddlers as the King Salmon Rushed in for the Attack. Screams that were heard from the decks on the Rooms at the Motel, The Lodge at Riverside on the North Side of the Rogue River…some of the Lodgers were crying…one women was heard to say, “how can I eat the complimentary breakfast after seeing that”.

Local Fishermen congregated at a local fly fishing shop on Morgan Lane trying to figure out what kind of fly it would take to lure in the King Killer Salmon. Cheap talk was heard that this could cause the cancellation of the Grants Pass versus Medford High School Football Game, but this was unverified.

grants pass cavemen

The Grants Pass Caveman – Medford Black Tornado Rivalry is a huge annual event and is generally believed to be bigger that the rivalry between the Taft Rockets and the Bakersfield Tigers depicted in the Movie The Best of Times.

Riverside Park in Grants Pass is where the annual Boatnic Festival has been for over 50 years.

Mass Hysteria Grips Grants Pass – Couple Killed on Caveman Bridge by King Salmon dateline November 29, 2012 Grants Pass Oregon on the Caveman Bridge….early morning….

A taxi lies on it’s side, the roof is completely torn open, blood pools on the mist covered pavement and drips into the Rogue River….bloody bits of Tillamook Cheesesharp cheddar, are sprinkled in the bloody froth on the pavement. Fish scales gleam in the early morning sun.  The remains of two Southern California tourists from Temecula  lie covered in a blue Tarp. The Massive Hulking Killer King Salmon that has been lurking in the Rogue River near Riverside Park has struck again.

rogue river

Forensic scientists on the scene surmise that the Fish had crawled onto the concrete girders of the Caveman Bridge and then dropped on top of the Taxi impaling it’s killer Tusks through the sheet metal roof of the late model 4 door Impala. Screams were heard for over 4 minutes in downtown Grants Pass as the fish chewed and gummed his victims with his razor sharp teeth. Many onlookers were thinking the same thing…..that this was worse than the pig in the Australian film Razorback. Fear grips the Rogue River Valley in it’s ugly grimey dirty palm…citizens were buying every box of wine they could find and heading for the hills or up/down I 5….temporary emergency shelters for residents have been set up in Medford, Roseburg and Bandon Oregon. Some people were seen heading west down the Rogue River, some boat thefts were reported….the National Guard was temporarily called out….but this was called off….an unnamed source reported that a

national guard tank

commander in Eugene had said, “for God’s sake it’s just a Fish”.

The Taxi driver has not been found as of this morning, although unconfirmed reports had a crazy man running down the road near the Oregon Caves his clothes in taters, blood stained….and streaks of white cheddar streaked on his half naked body.

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